What I Read this Break

Personal Professional Development

Long story short--I needed to do something, on my own (or with a group), on my own time, and reflect on it to meet a district requirement, by January 6, 2019 (I knew about this for many months, but kept putting it off).

And it had to be approved by my principal last September (see, I have known about this for quite some time). Good news is that I have wanted to read a book for about 6 years and just never took the time. This Christmas Break was the time.

Since I didn't want it to be a chore, I created some space to do this first thing in the morning with my hot drink. As soon as the rest of my family emerged, I put it away until the next day. It was a good plan.

Much of the first 3-4 chapters was review (and I did need the review), but with some added new things for me. I wrote a lot of notes, because that is the best way for me to learn. 

I could summarize my notes, but they are really about me and my journey. 

I could list some of the steps that are outlined, but that just takes one of the pieces out of context and simplifies the journey.

My district has worked at understanding trauma, and how to teach students who have dealt with trauma in their very short lives. It's good to understand. 

But for me, there has been a gap between understanding trauma, how it looks, etc and how to really teach new skills to the students. The skill of managing the anger that comes bubbling to the top of them in the middle of the wonderful lesson I am teaching on the letter s. Or the fear that comes during recess. Or the frozen student that just cannot pay attention to the math lesson.

Yes, I teach social skills to the whole class (using many resources), and yet I was still missing something.

Yes, we have a safe place in our classroom, but how to really use it to teach calming and solving skills?

Yes, we have a Zones of Regulation check in area, but what does that really do for me or them?

What I love about this book right now is that it helped me close this gap. I have a couple more tools in my toolbox to teach the students to manage their upset. And I had my review session on how I could manage my own upset. 

I really wanted the Feeling Buddies dolls, but do not have a school budget for that. So, next I am on the hunt for creative ways to bring feelings to life for my students who are 5 and 6 years old and very concrete learners.

Here's to a great 2019 where I am able to find the pause between trigger and reaction for me, and see the call for help from my students. 

Commitments

Dedication to a cause.

Dr. Becky Bailey says that when we say our commitments out loud to someone we are more likely to follow through. And since I have finished rereading and note-taking Creating the School Family, it is time for me to make some commitments for the coming school year.

**Create a friends and family book (or board)

**Take photos of all the grown ups that work with the kindergarteners inside and outside of our classroom. These photos will be "working" photos--"time to go to music, see the picture of Mrs. Tucker, she will be your teacher." Or, "You are bleeding, this is Nurse Holly, go see her in her office."

**Visuals. Carry my good camera with me all the time at the beginning of the year to get photos of students in line in the hallway, or in the lunch room, and stage photo ops of using the restroom, getting a drink, and every other time/situation that is chaotic in our classroom or school. (Perhaps scour TpT for resources, or learn how to make them myself... Any takers to teach me how to do this?)

This resource from The Primary Party would be perfect! Visual Direction Cards

**Use images of what I WANT students to do

**Train my eyes to see a misbehavior as a call for help. Help by teaching skills. (Use self-talk to remind myself that when a student does not know the name of a letter, I do not get frustrated, I reteach and offer opportunities to practice. The same goes for social skills-teach and offer time to practice.)

**Refine my start of the day routine. Make sure that all four parts (unite, disengage stress, connect, and commit) are included each day. May even do this between subjects or after lunch/specials.

And a reminder from Dr. Becky Bailey:

Compassion seeks to uncover similarities, embraces differences, and is based on shared power.

I wish us all well: the teachers who are resting/reading/planning/collaborating; the families who are doing the best they can and want the best teachers for their kids; and anyone else who in some way supports the education of the adults of our future.

These clouds.

On my walk this afternoon I was struck by the beauty of these clouds. They were even better in real life.

Dreams and Baseball

I had a dream last night.

A school dream. 

Not a BTS dream, rather we were into the school year I just had not got my act together regarding management and regulation.

The gist: there was a conflict in the classroom and instead of offering skills to the students, I was irritated that they "were not listening, being respectful, yada, yada, yada." I then found myself unregulated and things spiraled down.

The scene playing out in my dream was similar to situations from the past two years.

I'm not surprised I had this dream, because I've started rereading Creating the School Family by Dr. Becky Bailey. It's been 6 years since I read it and I've been surprised how much self-regulation talk is in the beginning chapter. The other time I read it I was focused on routines and rituals that I wanted to start in my classroom, and this time I find myself taking copious notes on the why I am doing it.

In real life I fail a lot in managing the emotional mayhem that happens in my classroom. However, at the end of this year I was not just failing, I was failing forward. I mean: I was messing up, and felt safe enough to talk about the situation with my principal (which was scary--are teachers allowed to talk about how they screwed up and still keep their job?). Mostly she listened, and while I babbled on, cried, and blew my nose, I came to see where I veered off-course. I came up with my own plan while she smiled at me, hugged me and let me know that she still valued me as a person and as a teacher.

Baseball.

I love summertime when I can watch all the Royals baseball I can handle, any time of the day.

The other night while I was watching, one of my favorite players made a mistake on the field. For all the people to see. It was a mistake that MLB players should not make. It cost an out or a run or both (I can't remember all the details).

This is what fascinated me: the commentator talked about the mistake, what was wrong, what he should have done. And then in a nice voice he said, he will learn from that mistake. He will go into the dugout, talk to a coach and not make that mistake again.

I felt so happy for that ball player, because he was given the time and chance to do it right. Sure, we were all sad it happened, but he gets a do-over. How wonderful for him.

Teaching.

I am lucky to work in a school system that values our teachers, provides us with training and support to become better. Allows for do-overs. But here's the thing--

I have to be open to listening, to reflect, to want to change and be committed to doing what is right for my students no matter how hard it is or how many times I have to do it.

Yes, I will probably get down on myself for mistakes I will make in the next year, but I will then pick myself up and read the poster I found yesterday...

Pots, Behavior, and Regulation

So many pots cooking at once. 

But I like it that way. Whatever I'm feeling, I can ponder, research, ask questions and make plans.

The current pots:

• ways to make the learning more interactive, more participatory
• trauma, resiliency and education
• lesson plan forms/planners/templates
• looking ahead to my summer and what soul-building activities I hope to include

Even as I look toward my summer with sadness (I sure am gonna miss the kids I call my students) and joy (time to pursue interests outside of education), I wonder what feelings my students are experiencing. 

If I dedicate myself to being a kid-watcher, what will their behavior tell me?

• nervous (for next year--teacher, class; the summer schedule/routine; meals)
• joy (some kids get to know that kid joy, they do not worry about home, parents, safety)
• sad (our year has been so much fun, why does it have to end; school is safe, will summer be safe?)
• see me. just see me. call me by my name. ask me about my new puppy.

Tonight I've been refreshed. You know what that means? Tomorrow I will have lots of opportunities  to use my skills that I once used and forgot about, but were reminded of tonight.

• behavior is communication. stop. look. name it (or at least try). offer validation of the feeling, allow time to cool down, then explore alternative ways to manage that intense feeling
• the behavior is happening in front of me, not to me
• is the behavior a call for help

Today I was able to see the behavior in front of me. (Yay!!!) And then I froze. (Whoops.) Did not know what to do. (Deer in headlights) Felt like I had tried everything (when really, had I tried anything???). Felt tired and sad. (Defeat.)

Tomorrow I will do my best to see each of the 21 of my little people. Can I create a 7-second period of time dedicated to each one? Build on our relationship that we have already. Can I offer my emotional regulation to them in times when they are not feeling regulated? Me regulated and with a sort of plan will help in the moments when I want to freeze or get the heck out!

I will see the best in me, and see the best in others.

References (because some are my thoughts, and some come from these books):

1. Fostering Resilient Learners (2016), Kristin Souers with Pete Hall
2. Conscious Discipline, Becky Bailey

As the Year Begins

Sure, I started 2 weeks ago. But I had a morning class of 10 kids and an afternoon class of 10 kids. And I thought it was rough (routines, procedures, school, standards). Ha!

Now I have 20 kids all day long. And we have all the same stuff, but it seems like more.

After school today I said to my teaching partner: I know I can do this, but I don't know how I'm going to do this. I know I can do this. But a big heavy weight on my shoulders.

This is an amazing group of talented and fun-loving little people.

I found myself in a situation--do it because I said to do it. We know I am not winning that one. Sigh.

20 kids with needs, like how to hold a pencil correctly, and one of me. Sigh.

But I will not dwell here tonight.

What went well today? Everyone had two recesses and lunch at school.

What can I improve upon tomorrow? Look into each set of eyes and respect who they are. Love them for who they are. Remember to look at behavior as communication. Label it. Offer alternatives. Practice breathing when we are calm, so that breathing when we are upset will become easier. 

That's enough.

Answer Does Not Equal Easy

I have the answer.

Build Relationships.

But that certainly does not mean that today was an easy day in the classroom. Sigh.

After my big recent discoveries I was set! I have lessons that rock. I have skills and strategies that can help.

But today. Sigh.

A different friend decided to see if she could get me riled. Get my goat. Get me to lose my cool.

She kinda did. Dang it!

We butted heads and I forgot all about brain states.

She was disrespectful and I forgot to breathe.

At recess I remembered that we needed to "talk" (teacher speak for I'm gonna lecture and she's gonna listen). As I went to find her I heard Rachel in my head...

"Five minutes a day keeps the tantrums away."

What's to lose? Nothing else is getting through to her.

When I found her I said let's talk. She grabbed my hand (WHAT?) and we started walking.

I said "Will you play with me?"

She said, "Yes". 

I said, "What do you want to play?"

She said, "Let's build a sand castle."

So we did. I sat on the sand, got sand all over me and dug in the sand. (Even while protecting my finger nail polish.)

I learned the finer points of finding the wet sand and creating a sand castle.

I really didn't want to go in at the end of recess, because being together was nice.

Maybe she will play with me again at the next recess.

Sunday Morning Letter

Dear Becky Bailey,

Thank you so much for wanting to find a better way. For finding it. For writing about it. For creating opportunities for others to learn about what you had learned.

Your book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline has shaped me, and my interactions with others like no other book has.

I talked to people about your book. My family started living in Unity Village (and when we weren't we yelled--UNITY VILAGE--think SERENITY NOW). I took classes on the book, and ended up with two personal copies.

I have had countless opportunities to practice the skills (at home and at school), screw up, practice more, apologize for screwing up, and try again. 

This past week the rubber met the road. And because of what I learned about the brain states, ways to calm myself and choices, I was able to DO IT, and IT FELT GREAT!

After a very difficult situation in my classroom I reflected on what happened: What did I do that worked? What did not work? Why did it work?

Here's is what I came to (I bet you, Becky Bailey, and my CD friends have said it a lot, but now I get it):

It's about relationships, people!

In my classroom, when a particular friend is not cooperating with me, he is calling for love, connection and understanding. When I offered that to him, he flipped his behavior and we ended the day on a positive note.

Becky, because of your work (and my work at learning it) I am so excited to go back tomorrow and make a difference in my friend's life. 

And wouldn't it be fantastic if I got to come to CD1 this summer? I'm pretty sure that my brain would be overloaded, but it would be good for me.

Hope to see you in June.

I Wish You Well,

A Friend in Kansas

Thanks, Michelle, for another opportunity to write.

Nehhhhhxt...

Last PD day before the start of school today.

Just imagine two hundred educators crowding into a cafeteria, some by choice, others by administrator's choice and learning the first parts of Responsibility-Centered Discipline (RCD).

Classrooms still need to be set up. Lesson plans need to be created. Phone calls and meetings with other stake holders need to be made and kept.

So--who has time for this?

Our presenter suggested that (in not so many words) we have to make time for this. I'm glad I did.

As teachers, if we struggle with knowing curriculum we get support and help. Yes!

If we struggle with assessment and instruction we get support and help. Yes!

But what about real support and help for classroom management? I know I have been talking about it for 20 years.

About 9 years ago I happened on to CD. It shifted my way of thinking. It was hard. I had to own my own "stuff." No more blaming my kids (or my) behavior somewhere else.

Like I said--HARD! Truly a brain shift that continues to evolve for me.

So my background knowledge was crucial for me today. It allowed me to HEAR what the presenter was saying. Process parts of it. Practice parts of it and not feel goofy, because honestly, I've been practicing this for 9 years. Not using his terms, but it's such a similar idea to CD that it is [insert the Oprah voice here] AWESOME!!

I'm amazed (but not really) about how smoothly Conscious Discipline (CD) fits into RCD. 

Many concepts were repeats of what I heard last Friday (and the numerous other CD trainings I have been to). How cool is that?!?!

**I need techniques that stop behaviors and increase the students' effort.

**In all that I do, do not damage the student/teacher relationship. 

**Mirror neurons

**When the brain is under attack, it rallies support and shuts down learning. 

**As a situation gets bigger, I must get smaller. 

**I want to become a Master of Challenging Moments. 

**I am so glad that my student teacher could be there today. (How might this impact her student teaching experience or future jobs?)

And--I've never said this before about ANYTHING--I'm excited about the prospect of being coached in RCD this year.

I'll let you know how that turns out for me...

Five for Friday (August 8, 2014)

Hello weekend!! I started this week by ending my vacation to Indiana and Michigan and jumping head-long into classroom preparation with a mix of doctor appointments for my sons. Busy!

Today was a fantabulous day. My last unpaid day of the summer and I spent it in a training, not getting paid. But it was oh, so worth it.

I bonded with the teaching staff at my school. I reviewed some things and learned some others. I made commitments for my classroom.

This is just a snap shot of the day... Five for Friday style.

1. 

My school has decided to get started with conscious discipline. Today all the classroom teachers, our sped teacher, counselor and principal were trained in Skill #1--Composure. It was fantastic!

2. Our presenter started the day by showing us How to Make a Bully From Scratch. It is ten minutes long--but so worth it. Go watch it now.

3. I was reminded that connection with children (and grown ups) will lead to cooperation. When someone isn't doing what I want, I need to ask, have I connected with them lately?

4. As the school year approaches--teach routines. What routines do I need to teach? I kinda do this, but could improve A LOT. 

Model (the routine--using the restroom), Map it, Practice it (daily)

What? I should model, map and practice daily? Even after the first couple of days? Yep, I am so going to do this. :)

5. Music. I love how our presenter showed us (by teaching and modeling) how to use songs. For uniting, giving us a break, and energizing us. I have 3 CDs that I use for this, but I don't have Kindness Counts and I really want it. Perhaps Santa will bring it to me...

We are lucky that we will have ongoing training this year (happy dance). This is the first time EVER that someone else is paying for my CD training and that makes me (and my husband) happy. 

Hop on over to Doodle Bugs and read other Five for Fridays--it's fun!

Me

Can we talk?

Let's be clear, when something is going not so good, I am pretty sure it is because I did something. If a parent calls me, it probably means I messed up somehow. An email most likely means I screwed up.

When things are going great, it is not because of anything I did. If my students are responding to me and following directions, it's probably the moon.

Yep, I have a problem. It's all about me. Just ask my best friend. She knows this about me. We laugh and cry about it together.

Today a girl was crying during our ELA time. The aide could not figure out what was wrong. Finally she went to the social worker. I made her cry.

A boy doesn't want to come to school this year. He has never been this way in his short school career. I make him sad.

These must both be my fault.

Time for me to take some Becky Bailey medicine. See the best in others (or me in this case). It is soooo easy for me to see the best in others. Me, not so much.

A while ago I was seeing the best in me, and I got slammed. I did not see it coming. So many hurt feelings. Now it is just easier to be hard on myself, so that when I get slammed the fall is not so far and doesn't hurt so much.

My assignment tonight... Wish all three of us well. Me. The girl. The boy. Breathe deeply. Feel the bad. Feel the good. And know that tomorrow I have another opportunity to make a difference to all three of us.

A Conversation Overheard

Thursday evening at the Ag Fair I overheard a conversation between my student and her mom.

It revolved around my cranky cream.

When the mom noticed the cranky cream, she asked her daughter, "do you use the cranky cream?"

Daughter responded, "No, only Mrs. Bartel uses it."

I was a bit embarrassed. Now a parent knows that I might get cranky. Sure, we all know many people get cranky, but to admit it?

The mom was very nice, talking about the multisensory aspect of rubbing the lotion, smelling it, etc.

****************************

One day, in the last couple of weeks, I was whining to Mrs. Jones about something I can't even remember now. As she was walking out the door, she laughed a bit and asked, "do you need some cranky cream?"

At first I was offended, but then, smiled and said, "yes, I do."

So thankful that I have strategies to help myself in times of trial, and that I have taught others to use them also.

Cranky Cream, Scarecrows and Volcanoes

With only 2 days of school this week I was anticipating a great week. Guess that will teach me to be overly optimistic.

By 9:25 I was pulling out a special bottle from my school bag. Yep, I created the "cranky cream" right in front of the kiddos.

I very slowly and with a quietish voice explained that cranky cream is for a person who being a star or breathing is just not working. I put some cream on my hands, rubbed it in, and immediately started feeing better. (I used a bottle of Vaseline lotion with a sticky note on it that says "cranky cream". Nothing spectacular, but the result was spectacular.)

******************************************************************************
The students created scarecrow glyphs during one station in math time. I hung them by the hayride graph and a poem.

Later in the day we (and when I say we, I really mean I) created a volcano and watched it erupt. We did this to go along with a story in our National Geographic Young Explorers.

Empty water bottle, baking soda and vinegar. It was fun.

First the students drew the volcano pre-vinegar. Then the eruption. Then talking about it using our science vocabulary. Finally, drawing the erupting volcano.

*******************************************************************************
As the students were lining up to leave for music and library (the last part of the day before heading to the bus), a sweet little friend came to me with a somber, sad face. He said, "Mrs. Bartel, I need some cranky cream." We went together to the cream, I put some on his hands, and rubbed it in. He didn't really seem cranky to me, but maybe he needed to have a connection with me.

The thing about this student is that we have not really clicked this year. I am so happy that he initiated this interaction with me. Here's to hoping that there will be more.

My Families

My school family:

There is definitely something to be said with each student having a meaningful job. All 22 of my kids have jobs. My students did last year also. It is important to me. And Becky Bailey agrees with me. (Or rather, she taught me and I love it.)

One job we have is the "first aid giver." Usually it involves adding band-aids to a bloody something, checking our band-aid supply or helping a friend to the office who needs an ice pack.

This week our first aid giver is taking her job very seriously. And she can be a little scattered at times. LOL. I did not know until today how seriously she is taking her job. Like an EMT, or ER doctor, or someone who works with emergencies.

At recess another friend fell, scraped up her face and arm and was crying. I was right there and saw it happen. She came to me and held me and cried. I held her too. A different friend suggested the first aid giver. She knew who she was looking for and ran to her for her help.

I watched this next part very closely and it will be forever etched in my mind as a beautiful moment.

As the first aid giver received the news of a hurt friend, she ran to us. The look on her face was full of determination, concern and ready for whatever might be required of her. And more concern.

We told her what happened and asked if she would take our hurt friend to the office for an ice pack. She put her arm around her, the hurt friend leaned into the first aid giver, and they very carefully started walking to the door.

I didn't see any more. I was trying to process what I had seen.

I love my school family.

My home family:

Today we celebrate my younger son who was born 10 years ago. So many memories. Of the day he was born, and of the years he has been with us.

Tonight we will eat tortellini alfredo, garlic bread, and white cake to celebrate him.

I love my home family.

Encouragement and Unity

I had the great opportunity to read chapter 2 of Conscious Discipline (Encouragement and Unity) during our family vacation a couple of weeks ago. Each time I read part of the book, or talk about CD with someone, I get energized all over again.

On to the chapter.

Principle #1: We are all in this together. Create class cooperation, not competition. Make sure my class is full of self-worth, dignity, importance and belonging. Remember--what I offer to others, I experience within myself. Our brains are pattern seeking. I posted our schedule last year, which I was planning on doing again this year. But I'm teaching first, I need to find some pictures. Loved the rituals we had last year (birthday was one of my favorites). Routines create predictability, and rituals are "the glue that hold the mosaic of love together" (page 61). Yep, there was a lot of love in the room. As I prepare my room this year, I want to do everything in the next 5 days in love. I want my room to overflow with love.

Principle #2: Contributing to the welfare of others builds self-worth. My class has meaningful jobs for everyone (door, kindness recorder, morning message writer, and more). This coming year I think having a service time every week. 30 minutes to do something nice for our school. I also commit to notice and comment when student's are contributing to the welfare of others. "You _______ , so ___________. That was _________. " "You got a bandaid for your friend, so she could feel better. That was kind/helpful."

Principle #3: How you "see" others defines who you are. My thoughts, judgements, complaints, joy, and love that I think I am giving to others--I am really giving to myself. My favorite quote from page 75: "Self-esteem is not earned through accomplishments, it is created each moment in how we "see" other people." It's a great big circle. When I send out love or frustration to my students, that is exactly what I get back.

Principle #4: We are all unique, not special. Do I want to be special or connected with others? How will I speak to my students that embraces their uniqueness, and creates unity with the class?

Principle #5: Some forms of praise can be discouraging. Effective praise relies on describing, not judging. How many times have I heard "Look at me swing (or any number of other verbs)." How often did I really look at them? Not nearly often enough. I see it in my own children. They want eye contact. They want me to SEE them. Definitely something that is quick and means so much. I must do it more often.

Principle #6: Children need encouragement especially when they have made "poor" choices. Encouragement = hope. People need hope to feel safe. Will my room have hope? Will it feel safe? What do I need to do in order that all the children feel hope while with me, and not despair?

My next steps:
1. Sincerely offer myself hope, love, joy and acceptance (in ALL things), so that I can also offer those to the littles and bigs with me.
2. Notice children often. During the first day of school notice every child at least once. The next day do the same. Repeat for the rest of the year. Bailey suggests noticing every child 10 times a day for the first 6 weeks of school. How close could I come to that?

I can feel the gear change. Life is getting busier. More time in my classroom. Friday will be my first official day back. I will be ready. I am excited about the possibilities for the year.

Composure

Discipline and punishment do not mean the same thing. Punishment means inflicting pain or loss as a result of some offense or fault. Discipline means training according to rules or norms.

In order to discipline my children or students, I must first discipline myself. I must maintain my own control. Keep my cool in the midst of stress. When I do that I am an example to the littles (and bigs) around me.

Chapter 1 of Conscious Discipline is Composure (The Power of Perception). Becky Bailey has some wonderful quotes in this entire book. I love reading and rereading it. Often it catches me, whoops, rewind, try that again, Alyce.

"Be the person I want others to become." (page 25) How am I doing on that today?

This is not always easy for me, but fortunately Bailey has set out four principles to help those of us who are not naturals with composure (or want to become better).

Principle #1: Composure is self control in action. It is a prerequisite skill adults need before disciplining children. Good. But what next? How do I do that? It is not my natural style. Keep going, help is on the way.

Principle #2:Healthy secure relationships require that we control our own upset. No one can make us angry without our permission. My thoughts control my emotions. I become upset when the world does not work out as I thought it should. I am never upset for the reason I think I am. "Self control is an act of love and a moment-by-moment choice." (page 34)

This is why it is called "conscious" discipline. I have to be aware every moment. Every moment I can choose to be in control of my emotions and actions, or I can just be half aware and hope for the best (which usually is not my best). After an hour of being conscious I really need a break...somewhere to be and not be aware. Being conscious drains me. But being conscious also energizes me. I think it is draining when things are not going my way and I have to work at my own composure. Perhaps if I get better at self control I will find consciousness more energizing than draining.

Principle #3: Start the day the brain smart way and implement stress reduction activities. I loved doing this last year. It made a difference for me and my students. There are 4 parts.
1. Activity to unite (sing a song together, say the Pledge of Allegiance together)
2. Activity to disengage stress (stretching, breathing, focus)
3. Activity to connect (greeting everyone around the circle, etc. greeting cards from Mrs. Bainbridge were great last year)
4. Activity to commit oneself to learning (pick one thing you will do today to be a learner...keep hands to myself, raise my hand for permission to speak, etc.)

I am going to make a canvas with this on it to hang in my classroom.

I

Will

Remenber

My Worth

Why is brain smart start so important? Because the children (and even me some days) come to school with baggage. Something happened at home or on the bus or waiting for me to gather the class in the gym. Something that needs to be dealt with before any academic learning has a hope of happening. How will I bridge the gap? I cannot call my fabulous social worker every day to come and take care of the situation. That does not teach the children how to manage their own composure. But every day I have a choice. Will I get straight to business, or look at each heart to make sure it is whole today? Last year I did not choose the heart every day. Next year I commit to choosing the heart.

Being brain smart will help the students answer some question. Am I safe? Does the class feed good? Do I belong? 

Principle #4: Your job is to keep the classroom safe so children can learn. The child's job is to help keep it safe. Last year I related nearly everything to safety. It was nice. The children took my words as well, and would come to me, "I don't feel safe..." and we could address it together. Magic moment. Consciousness works. 

Each week we had different  STAR (stop, take a deep breath and relax) helper. As the year progressed, this person was needed and used. Once a person came to me and asked if the star helper could help. Sure. They did their thing. I never knew what happened. (I felt a little left out, but was encouraged by the empowerment those children had.)

Another time, it just happened. Two students were together on the floor. One was crying, the other had her arms wrapped around her and visibly breathing with her. I desperately wanted to go help. But they did not need my help. I watched and smiled, and got some tears as well. For the pain and the love. Magic moment.

My next steps:

1. Everyday make a choice--do I want to own my own upset and maintain self-control or do I want to give my power away and blame others for taking it?

2. When I'm upset, own it. Tell myself it's ok. Sniff some hot chocolate ala The Teacher Tipster.

3. Create a list of stress reduction activities that we can do throughout the day.

Amazing. If this is as far as I get with Becky Bailey next year, it will be wonderful. But I know I won't stop. I will do this and add more as the year happens. I don't know next years students. But lasts year were awesome, amazing, magic. 

Bridge

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own drama and forget to see what's going on around me. This easily happens in the summer when I am reading 4 books, working on crafts and thinking about making healthy lifestyle changes (exercising). It also happens during the school year when I am working away from the home and trying to run the home at the same time. I guess it is a continuous struggle for me.

Reading almost anything from Becky Bailey helps me to reground myself into the here, the now, the important.

Last week younger son was off at camp. This week the older son is off at camp. A battle happens in my head. I can really make headway on all the "things" I want to get done this summer or I can make meaningful connections with each son separately. Everyday I have these choices to make.

A couple of weeks ago my younger son and I were having a "moment" and not a good one. He looked at me, very calmly, and stated "Aren't you supposed to see the best in me? You are the mom. Aren't you supposed to see the best in others?" {Has he actually been listening to me when I talk to my husband about my thoughts after reading Becky Bailey?}

I said, "Yes, I try to see the best in you and others."

He said, "Ok, what is it? What do you see in me?"

Me, "I'm thinking about it. I will have to get back to you."

Thirty minutes later (I was completely on to something else), he said, "Have you thought about it yet?"

Me, "What?"

Him, "The best in me."

Me, "Yes." But I did not tell him what it was. He went back to his book and hasn't brought it up again.

****************

With this (and other conversations) in mind I decided to be "with" him yesterday. All by ourselves. Originally we were going to go see a baseball game, but with 106 degrees I talked him into waiting until later in the summer. We did get a bottle of water and headed out to the big city with Goodwills and Targets. Our two favorite store respectively.

He came with me while I shopped at Goodwill, Old Navy, Eddie Bauer and I went with him to Target. We both had opportunities to practice patience. He actually had money to spend, since he had a mini garage sale and did some cat sitting this summer. He hung out in the Lego aisle. I tried to be patient. My goal was to give him all the time he needed to choose something. When the 30 minute mark came and went I was getting restless. I gave myself a pep talk and waited some more.

Then he looked for laptops. And DVDs. And back to the Legos. Once I suggested putting the item he was considering into the cart and walking around a bit to think about it. "No, I'm already thinking about it."

Finally he said, I think I will save my money. And we walked away. We grabbed the few things on the rest of the list and checked out. As we headed for the Starbucks to get a drink he said that he was hungry and maybe we could go to Freddy's Frozen Custard to eat supper. Perfect, another opportunity to process what just happened.

While the food was cooking I asked if he felt rushed at Target, because my intention was to not rush him and give him all the time he needed. He felt rushed with my suggestion of putting the item in the cart. WOW, what I say and what he hears are so different. Neither is bad, but to be aware of this is HUGE.

As we were almost home, at a certain spot in town, he mentioned an incident from the day before. When I said I was going to get him. I was clearly (in my mind) teasing him the day before, but when he brought it up, I didn't get the feeling that he knew I was teasing and it had not felt like teasing to him.

Great, now I've scared my child.

Some of this I talked with my husband about after we got home. Later in the evening, the 3 of us talked about it. "Yes (with tears in his eye), I get scared when you say 'I'm going to get you'."

I apologize. He is quiet. I apologize again. Still quiet. Then with twinkling eyes, "Yes, I'll forgive you if you give me $100." I sure hope he's teasing.

******************

Have I (re)learned a lot this summer. My younger son is tender hearted (I already knew that), and I really have to be thoughtful of what I say to him. My older son is entering a busy, emotional time in his life and I want to be available to him (not just when it's convenient for me). Saying yes to my family is way more fun than saying no (I already knew that also, but need to remind myself of that).

Connection is what this is all about. But I do not like that word; it triggers weird thoughts.  I like Bridge better.

Three Book Studies

I love reading and learning from books. How excited I was when Heather posted that she was going to organize a book study on Dr. Becky Bailey's book for teachers called Conscious Discipline. I already had that book and think that would be a great way to get myself ready for the next year. I will talk more about that later.

Last week I ran across a new to me blog that said a guided math book study was getting ready to start. Well, that would go right along with one of my summer to do lists (learn about differentiated math). I am super excited to learn along with Brenda at Primary Inspired. More on that in a different post.

And the third book I want to study this summer is The Daily 5. Hosted by Mel D. (and a few others) at Seusstastic Classroom Inspirations. I think I will be busy. I will be ready when school starts.

This isn't a book study, but going to Ag in the Classroom in Colorado later will be a wonderful way to get ready as well.

Now, back to Conscious Discipline (CD). Heather suggested reading the Introduction as a way of starting and gave us some questions to answer. The questions had straight-forward answers, so I won't go into that. I will share about what it meant to me to read and ask myself those questions again.

**Conflict is an essential part of life. But I do not like conflict. I want it to go away QUICKLY. I do not  want an opportunity to learn or teach. I have been trying to shift my thinking about conflict, but old habits die hard. It gets easier, however, especially when I have invested time into a relationship.

**Self-control is essential for being able to teach and learn during conflict. What do I do to foster my own self-control on a daily or weekly basis? What do I do to encourage my own inner peace? Definitely need to start something with this during the summer break.

**It is easy for me to show respect in calm times--what about times of stress?

**As a teacher there is so much curriculum to teach during the day and year. In the moments that I find it difficult to be empathetic can I step back long enough to know that something is not going my way? To realize that addition facts may need to take a back seat to the social skills and life values that are being modeled and taught indirectly?

**I get super excited when the unexpected "teachable moments" happen. Usually it has something to do with science or reading. Can I find a way to recognize the teachable moments with social skills and life values and get super excited about that as well?

Just reading my notes gets me energized and back to my consciousness. Chapter 1, Composure, is coming next.

I think this will be a great day for me and my family.

Consciousness Journey Continues

When my kids were young I stayed home with them and practiced Conscious Discipline (CD) with them. OK, it was me that had to change, so that's what I did. Gradual, baby steps. One thing at a time.

19 months ago I went back to teaching. In a resource room setting. CD was helpful. But when I see the kids for 30 minutes a day it was tricky to build the relationship that CD takes. We did the best we could.

13 months ago I scored a general education class for the following year. I was beyond excited. That is what I went to college to do. I got side-tracked being a resource teacher (but I loved my time there and could have happily stayed if this gen ed job hadn't opened up).


Throughout last summer I tried to get ready for this awesome opportunity coming up. I needed books to read and prepare myself. My CD friends talked about this book.

So, I got my hands on it and of course loved it. Baby steps again as I set up my very first classroom. My two favorites that I used last year was the birthday celebrations and class jobs.

(It says "Good Morning and may you have an amazing day" written by the morning message writer. And you can see the kindness tallies we had so far that day.)

My school social worker boosted my confidence and I continued to grow my school family. Some days  were very rewarding. Some days were very emotionally draining. Overall, I loved the family that we created. The students started calling each other "school family." That made my heart sing for sure.

So many good things from last year. And now I will re-read

 

and work through the book study with Heather at Heather's Heart and give myself a good old pep-talk. Last night I read the introduction and fell in love with CD all over again. I will share those thoughts next time.

My Journey With Consciousness, the beginning

I have been a teacher for a long time. Officially for 18 years. Unofficially a lot longer. (As a middle schooler every child I babysat got to learn what I was learning in school. Solar system to the Thomas girls for example.) I have been an aunt for a while also. So, when I became a parent 12 and 1/2 years ago I had all the answers and knew exactly how my children would act and how I would respond. Naive.

Most of the time parenting went according to my plan. Add another child. Family dynamics change. I read every parenting book I could get my hands on in every library I had access. I love to read and learn. Changed a few things, but mostly parenting was the same.

Roughly 7 1/2 years ago at my local public library I spotted a book in the new acquisitions section. It caught my eye. Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey. I was immediately turned off and did not check out that book. Over the next 6 months I kept seeing that book.

In April that year I finally checked it out. As I started to read (and take notes) I felt my stomach churning. Many of my foundational beliefs were being challenged. I would read a section. Process. Put it away for a few days. Then pick up the book again.

My three weeks were over, but I had not finished the book. I renewed the book a total of three times. That is just how long it took me to read and process the book. But I loved every page I read. Yes, I felt sick a lot, but embraced the love in the book and the idea that I needed to change me, not my children.

I changed some of the ways I parented and found joy in the conscious way I responded to my kids. But this type of parenting is so time consuming and emotionally draining that I still went back to my former ways.

Fortunately I have a couple of friends who were knowledgable and eagerly shared their Becky Bailey wisdom with me. What a journey the next year was.

I took a Becky Bailey parenting class, acquired two copies of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, and continued to mess up more than I got it right.

My biggest obstacle? Clearly it was self-control in the midst of a storm. When days would not go my way I would become frustrated and had difficulty expressing my feelings and what I wanted. After the incidents I would look back and see it clearly, but not in the moment. I also began to see my children handling their upset in the same way I was modeling for them.

The next years brought ups and downs. Read parts of the book again. Talk with my friends a lot. Try ideas out on my kids. I was changing and found many great moments with my family. My beliefs were changing and I was liking it.

More to come...

Connections

This happened a while ago, but I want to share it anyway. I'm not sure if I should start at the beginning or back track.

Remember this picture?

Or this one? (Probably not, the laughing has started.)

I took them right before we went out to see Lucy get sheared. I wanted the picture so that I could send a thank you to the kind folks who made and gave the goals to our school. As this picture was ending the class erupted into a huge fit of uncontrolable laughing and pointing and more pictures was completely out of the question.

Very soon our wonderful social worker, Mrs. Ybarra, came by and said "I was just trying to get them to smile more." I may have glared at her. This was not in my plan. I tend to not like it when things don't go as I plan. She apologized, and I might have said nothing. I marched the kids off to the barn.

The rest of the day I felt terrible. I should not have reacted that way. Mrs. Ybarra is at our school only MWF, so I had another whole day to wait until I could apologize for being disrespectful.

Sidenote: My students were well accustomed to me apologizing, either individually or as a whole class, I find that about once a week I have to tell them I am sorry for something I have done (not being nice when things don't go my way). My principal knows about this, she is not worried, she likes it that I can model how to apologize. I wish I wouldn't have to model it quite so often.

Continuing on with the current story... The next time Mrs. Ybarra was at school we had a wonderful momment. We both could not apologize enough to the other one. We may have shed some tears. I think there was a hug. In the end our friendship was strengthen by this very real interaction.

Fast forward 2 weeks. My class had been awful with the "girl drama." Mrs. Ybarra had spent a load of time with groups and individuals working on how to be friends, etc. But it was not getting better. As a last ditch effort she offered to come into my room and and have a mix of love and logic, conscious discipline and come to Jesus "chat" with them all. I stayed because that is the only way to know how the chat went and how to be a facilitator for them in the future.

She did some talking. They did some talking. And somehow the interaction at the soccer goal came up. She shared how she felt. I shared how I felt. We got teary again. The lesson they could have taken away was that sometimes you have to give the other person some space before you can apologize (Mrs. Ybarra knew right away that I was upset--I guess I really did glare at her). Maybe they understood one more way to be a friend. More talking. "Chat" over.

Fast forward another week. Two students were playing at recess. One hurt anothers' feelings. Hurt one runs away. The hurter notices right away his mistake and truly is remorseful and wants to apologize (a bit of a breakthrough for this one!). The hurter chases the hurtee, who continues to run away. Soon the hurter is talking with Mrs. Ybarra and trying to figure out how to make this situation better. She gently prods him to remember how she needed to give me some space before she could apologize to me (and I needed space to realize I also needed to apologize). His face shines with recognition and says "OH, maybe I need to give her some space, and apologize later." They made a plan for him to talk to her later.

Before school ended the two students had made amends.

Last week I was sharing this story with my BFF and she almost started crying. I could not figure out what the big deal was, but she thinks the connections made with adults and students was incredible. When I look at this from her perspective I can see it.

Being a classroom teacher is hard work. So often I am "in the thick of it" and do not see the bigger picture. Thanks BFF for helping me to recognize this as the cool situation that it is.